


Tandem

by Mersayde



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Other, They just started dating, johnnie: they/them, just thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-08-29 00:10:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16733289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mersayde/pseuds/Mersayde
Summary: sometimes the things we write for are too sour to changeDONT READ PUBLISHED ON ACCIDENT





	Tandem

DONT READ PUBLISHED ON ACCIDENT

 _“Maybe you should write about happier things,”_ Johnnie says, they’re words forming as quickly as a breathe taken in the dark.

Xara’s thought about it, she’s tried. She has swished it around between my teeth and over my tongue. Maybe the spice of happiness is too bitter. Maybe the taste of being okay isn’t for me.

_”Maybe if you try—”_

Then what? Then the happiness will cling to the tips of her fingers and play along to the sweet melodies of her veins. But what does she do when the words form in tandem with the beats of her chest? What does she do when only sadness that’s lived as long as she, can be found there? When all she knows is how to ache and gift it onto others?

She’s fighting and it’s hard and she doesn’t know how to keep the sadness from burning through her skin or how to keep the shame and guilt from crawling right behind it?

Things always find a way to hurt, don't they?

She can’t help but wonder, why is this pain so familiar? Why does she know the ins and outs of the deep depressive waves like the planes of my hands and face and body? Why must she constantly stare at it, dwelling in her concaved gut where functionality should be? Why must everything else?- the happiness, the anger, the _everything_ else, have to be wrapped up in plastic and shoved so far down, its fallen into a place that’s no longer hers?

Xara told Johnnie that her sadness _is_ her, it’s been with her, it’s grown with her, they've shared so much of her life, so much of her space- she doesn't know how to live without it. She's scared of who she is without it.

Xara told my Johnnie that her sadness lives in her chest and crawls to her heart when it wants, but everything else sits outside of her. She has to beg them to return, to settle on her skin. but they aren’t hers. They've never been hers.

She can be sad in silence, she can dress it up as normalcy and it won’t get plucked out and shunned away. She can’t hide the happiness, she can’t hide the anger. She can't hide the ones that burn as much as the sun.

They were stolen and she thinks they feel betrayed, she thinks they don’t want to come home, she thinks they have turned their backs on her, she thinks they’ve finally figured out that even if they were supposed to be here they’re better off without.

Johnnie tried to tell her that she should write happier things to prove to herself that her sadness isn’t wholly intertwined with her creativity. That she can write just as generously when she's floating. But Xara knows that’s not true. She's sorry it’s not working. She's sorry it just sticks to her and consumes every unfelt corner of herself. She wants to be happy, She wants to be more than what she's been, She wants to be more than what she is.


End file.
